My dawdling footsteps on the pavement were not going to stop the inevitable.
I still slowed and paused, allowing my fingers to trail through the leaves along the neat hedge line of our neighbour.
I hated what was waiting for me at home. That’s what slowed my steps and sucked the joy out of me. I didn’t notice the vivid green as my hands trailed the leaves, even though I can recall them now so clearly. Nor did I relish these moments of slowing down.
Instead, I was focused internally on what was to come.
The Potato lesson
Each day, my job on my return from school was to dig deep into the massive bag of potatoes (that was almost as tall as me) and scrub and peel them. To save precious money, the potatoes were usually so covered in dirt that it felt like they were still in the ground.
I can still feel my fingers being rubbed raw in the cold water as I scrubbed and scrubbed for what seemed like a lifetime. Money was tight so the repertoire of meals, at times, was equally tight:
Mince and potatoes.
Potatoes and mince.
Cottage pie.
Mince and gravy…with a side of potatoes.
What I didn’t appreciate was the worry and strain that money (or rather it’s lack) caused for my parents. Instead I felt it’s impact in the way that children do: I noticed the things I didn’t have that my friends did, I noticed the arguments and chaos that was often a by-product of that struggle and the way I fet embarassed that we didn't have more.
I also swallowed, along with the mince and potatoes, beliefs about how the world works.
An ode to Joy
When we’re children, we create meanings around our experiences. It helps us build a framework for life so we can navigate it safely when we grow up. Sometimes though, we give meanings to things in a way that isn’t helpful. It was true for us in the context that we lived in but it isn’t an objective truth that we need to carry forward.
The tricky part is that those beliefs and meanings are often hidden from our conscious awareness. Instead they’re like an operating system working in the background. Everything we experience gets filtered through it without our knowledge or consent.
For me, my potato experiences (and the lack of money) taught me that life is hard and that there’s often no joy in the struggle. It’s taken a while to change that and I can still find myself back in "joyless" mode if I take my eye off the ball.
How can you shine the light
Right now, things might be feeling tough for you. Perhaps you're in the tricky time of perimenopause when things can feel out of kilter and control. When your body is experiencing this major shift from your fertile years to menopause and beyond, the landscape can change daily. It can be hard to keep a grip on life and instead it can be like freefalling without knowing if your parachute will open.
There’s also a lot of uncertainty and fear in the world right now: we're watching wars and unsepakable suffering unfold with no idea what will happen. Major change is in the air with elections and new governments.
Combine that with the fallout of the last couple of years of incredible upheaval, turbulence and financial pressures and it can be a recipe for suffering.
How is it feeling for you?
The Happiness Advantage
There’s a long history of research and interest in what it is that makes some of us able to rise above our personal situation and still thrive whilst others are battered and broken. It can be tempting to think that it’s a black and white, all or nothing kind of a deal. It can also feel like we're doing life wrong if we don't feel "happy".
But actually it’s much more nuanced.
Sonja Lyubomirsky (http://sonjalyubomirsky.com/), happiness researcher and author of many studies and books, is one of many interested in exactly this.
Her research has shown that just 10% of our happiness comes from our external circumstances. 50% comes from our natural predisposition (you can think of it as your Tigger versus Eeyore tendency).
This leaves a whopping 40% that comes from HOW we respond to our lives. This is about how we interpret the things that happen to us and the happiness habits that we cultivate to help ourselves. Believe it or not, this is good news! It means rather than trying to control what is beyond your control, you can work on leveraging what IS in your control.
The Happiness Choice
I’m not suggesting that you can just think your way to happiness or "positive affirmation" your way to nirvana. That's another recipe for shame and self blame. Instead, you can learn to define happiness differently so that it’s not a destination but instead is a practice. That's what can make it practically attainable. There's a definition of happiness that I love by Shawn Achor, a happiness researcher from Harvard (go and look up his Ted Talk, it's awesome!) "Happiness is the joy you feel moving towards your potential" Happiness is not the same as pleasure. That's one of the happiness myths that we all fall into at times. Some of the things that make me the happiest are certainly not always pleasurable: parenting is one great example of this! So how can you practice "Happiness"?
Four Happiness Habits that will change your life
If we move away from thinking of happiness as something you "are" and instead think of it as something you "do", it can start the process of feeling more at peace in your life, whatever it throws at you.
I’ve learnt to shine the light of conscious awareness on the ways that my "potato story" of hardship and struggle shows up in my life. Then I have the choice to do respond differently. When my life circumstances are difficult, I’ve learnt to fall back on four core happiness habits. Life is not about escaping suffering and avoiding pain - that’s part of being human. Instead, we can learn to ride the waves. Here are 4 practices to get started on the journey to a happier life: 1. Practice Gratitude and Savouring It’s not always possible to feel joyful about the things that are happening, but gratitude is always available. I certainly wasn’t experiencing joy when I was peeling the spuds, but with a different mindset perhaps I could have been grateful that we had enough to eat. Savouring is another way to combat feeling unhappy. Recalling with all your senses the positive experiences you have as vividly as you can. We have an inbuilt tendency to strongly recall and prioritise the negative (like my cold hands with the potato scrubber). With a little practice, however, we can use our imagination positively to create mental connection to the delicious experiences too. Try it: Gratitude: Can you think of something that’s happened to you today that was a bit crappy. What is there to be grateful for in the experience? Even something really small or the fact that it’s over. A gratitude practice each day can be especially transformative. I love an approach I saw recently that advocated for recalling 3 things each day you're grateful for:
Something mundane - like sunshine pouring through the window or your first sip of coffee
A chance happening that you were't expecting - like a parking space opening up just as you drove up
Something that you made happen (like putting your phone down and walking outside in the sunshine
Savour: Now close your eyes for a moment and recall a moment to savour: your warm bed before you got up, the first sip of coffee, the sun breaking through a cloud. Use all your senses: see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, hear it. Recall if vividly as if it was happening right now. Take a couple of slow deep breaths with those sensations alive in your body and senses. Then open your eyes and keep that glow with you as you move on with your day. 2. Watch how you think and dial up the kindness Most of us are good at beating ourselves up internally. "I can’t believe i let this happen again", "Why am i so rubbish", "I’m disgusting". When we start to listen in to the way we talk to ourselves it can be staggering. We speak to ourselves in a way we would never speak to anyone else. Far from motivating us, this makes us less effective and also makes us miserable. There’s lots of layers to combating this one but awareness and a touch of kindness are a great start. Try it: Think of a mistake you’ve made today, or something you could have done better. When you recall it, what do you notice about the tone of voice and words you use towards yourself? Kindness can start with simply acknowledging that you’re not being kind and that it’s painful to experience that.
This is a baby step to changing your experience and building happiness. 3. Scatter your days with acts of kindness for others Kindness doesn’t cost anything, it can be something tiny like holding a door open or offering a smile. But it’s ripple can be huge. His Holiness the Dalai Lama describes compassion to others as "wise selfishness" - because it’s actually as good for you, the giver, as it is the receiver. Finding ways to be kind, even just with a kind thought, makes YOU feel good. Try it: Think of one small thing you could do for someone you care about, or even a stranger, today that would be kind. Maybe right now you could send someone a message to let them know you’re thinking of them. As you do it, try and focus less on how it is received and more about how it feels inside for you. Like savouring, make it a sensory experience as you imagine creating that ripple and changing someone else's day for the better. Kindness can breed resentment if we do it expecting something in return.
How cool it would be if it could be it’s own reward. What do you notice? 4. Connect to what matters to you (Values) This one can be tricky. What happens if you don’t know what your values are and what life it is you really want?
If you're in the middle of the Menopause journey, knowing who you are and what you care about can be really hard. "Who am I?" can feel like shifting sand under your feet, destabilising and precarious as the hormonal tides ebb and flow. Start by noticing what you care about and what lights you up inside, even if it's been a while since you connected to that feeling. You can also notice what annoys you in other people.
Those can be your initial clues.
Try it:
Close your eyes and imagine it’s your 85th birthday party. Imagine you’ve spent every day from this day right now until then living as the truest and best version of yourself.
Now imagine that the people at your party stand up to talk about you and the life you’ve lived.
What do they say? What reflections do they have? What have you stood for in that time?
What comes up for you as you imagine it?
Doing the deeper work
Happiness is achievable if we define it differently.
If it becomes about living a rich, full and meaningful life rather than always feeling "happy" then it’s not somewhere we get to. Instead it’s something we commit to.
With my clients and members, that’s what we uncover. How you can live a rich, full and meaningful life YOUR away?
Not someone else’s definition. Not how you think you should be and do. Not when all the difficult things are over. Instead, it starts with a deep discovery and exploration so you can create a life you don’t need to escape from.
Whether you feel like you're holding on by your fingertips right now or you feel like life should feel more joyful than it does right now, let's have a chat and see if it's time for you to have someone in your corner. You can find out more about working with me 1:1 and book a free call by clicking here.
If a self led journey is more your vibe right now, then you will love the 21 Day Calm and Clarity Reset. It will guide you to lay foundations for a new experience through small steps each day. You can get the Reset for Free as. Be. Member. You can use the code "Autumn" for a month FREE and you can cancel at anytime. Check it out by clicking here
Get in touch if you’d like to see if it’s the right programme for you. Just hit reply or email laura@bemodernmeditation.com and say "I want to know More!"
I’d love to help you find your Happy life.
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