
When my Nana was in her 40’s she decided she’d had enough of her teeth after getting toothaches. So she decided she’d book herself in to have them all removed and replaced with false teeth.
My Grandad was floored... He knew she was strong willed and he was unlikely to influence her, but it didn’t stop him trying.
Her Mother, my Great Grandmother who I never met, was equally perturbed, “What on earth would possess you to get all your teeth taken out?”
My Nana was unfazed by their criticism and the dismissal of her idea. This made perfect sense to her so she was just going to do it. When the deed was done, she was horrified to learn she’d be without teeth for two weeks while they made her new ones! Leaving her to hide at home while she waited.
BUT, she’d done what she wanted!
Obliger Rebellion
My Nana has always been compliant and played the roles assigned to her as Daughter Wife, Mother. Always in relation to what someone else expected her to be. Deep down though she has a core of steel and a strong will and those close to her know it. But sometimes it’s not easy to be the person you want and do the things you need to make you happy.

This is especially true for women. The cultural paradigm is that we’ll be “good girls” and not cause a fuss. Whilst simultaneously putting the needs of others above our own to be “selfless”, the ultimate paragon of female virtue. So we oblige and support until suddenly it’s one thing too many and we rebel, even if only briefly. Often that rebellion can be shocking to the people we support. “But you’ve always done x,y,z” they exclaim, “why is this time any different?” And often we can’t even really put our finger on why! Suddenly, the idea of making a cup of tea/ a meal / a favour fills you with disproportionate rage.
This phenemona of suddenly not having any more f*&%s to give is often a feature of the menopause transition. I see it often with clients (and with myself!). It's like we've been holding a beach ball underwater all these years and suddenly the energy it takes to hold it there is gone. It can be shocking, for us and those caught in the cross fire.
Rage Shame
When the moment has passed you can sometimes feel deeply ashamed that you had such a strong reaction. The outburst is often out of proportion to the situation because it’s not really about that one thing. Even if you said nothing out loud, the shock of how strong your feelings were can make you feel a tiny bit unhinged.
“What’s wrong with me?” To yourself
“What’s wrong with you?” From the people around you.
Has that ever happened to you? When you add in the very real emotional turbulence of fluctuating hormones it can feel like you are in a perpetual state of high alert. Out of no where it seems you can morph into an angry ball of rage.
Knowing what you want
How can you deal with this simmering pot so it doesn’t boil over and, more importantly, how can you express what you really need? Because on the other side of this letting go of compliance and the way we've always been is a powerful and heady place of freedom and truth. Often though we are out of practice at knowing what we want and need. We're not sure what to do with this deep feeling that there's something more for us. Here's a test for you:
If someone offered you a whole day to do whatever you pleased, how easy would you find it to know what to do? Perhaps you’d have a really clear idea but you feel sure that it's impossible to create that time. Or perhaps like I did you have a tendency to over give so that you've lost touch with what brings you joy.
Ask yourself this question:
“What do I like to do, just for myself and for no other reason than it brings me joy?”
I’m not talking about things like going to a yoga or exercise class or a walk or a catch up with a friend. These are things we must do to keep us functioning. We all have a different list of core needs that are essential and non negotiable - more another time on why we often don;t meet those basic needs or consider them a luxury.
I mean what would deeply nourish you in your soul and your heart?
What would help you become the person you’re here to be and live the life you’re meant to lead?
Connecting to You
The process of finding out what you truly want and need doesn’t happen overnight. It's a process that begins with a recognition that things need to change.
Often this is the hidden gift of a challenging midlife experience, it forces a day of reckoning because the endless sacrificing of yourself is no longer possible. The overdraft of your energy and time that has been pouring in to people, places and things that don't serve you starts to demand payback.
Your body does keep a score and you deserve to have your needs met and your passions explored. In fact the world NEEDS you to do this. The people you care about need you to be the 'You-est' version of you imaginable.
As Dr Seuss said:
"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
Many of us sacrifice who we are deep inside for a version of us that doesn't make us happy.
3 Steps to Find Your Next Chapter
Where can you start to explore this? Here's 3 steps that will help. Grab a journal and a cup of tea and explore them.
1. What roles do you play? STEP 1:
In your journal, list out (one per line) all the versions of 'You' that there are, the different roles and relationships you have. eg. parent, daughter, friend, employee, boss, exercise class attendee, dog owner, job title, groups you're part of, any other identities you have.
Think about Whatsapp groups you're in and any social or work groups, hobbies (now and in the past).
With friendships, you might include different types of friendship role you take - listener, advice giver, supporter, fun time friend, drinking buddy, exercise pal, dog walking group.
STEP 2:
For each of the roles you play, write down next to it a vitality score for how you feel when you're in that role (where 1 = lifeless and feeling like a zombie and 10 = fully energised and bursting with life)
STEP 3:
Add roughly what percentage of your time you spend in each role
STEP 4:
Reflect on your list and your assessments. Circle the roles or relationships where you feel like you can be fully yourself and express what you think and feel.
How does it look? Journal on what comes up for you as you complete this exercise.
2. Amplify and get to know 'You' What does it really mean to "feel like you"?
Choose a time when you have felt energised and authentic. It could be from the list above or another time, even on your own or a long time ago - it could even be from when you were a child.
Close your eyes and recall it as if it was happening right now and as if you were looking out from your own eyes.
What are you doing and where are you? Who are you with? What does it feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? Imagine you have a dial where you can turn up the volume on the positive feelings. Turn it up..let yourself feel good!
Open your eyes and free flow write about what you experienced. Paint the picture of how it felt: what textures, colours and emotions you experienced. Capture your essence.
You are beginning the process of capturing your unique energy.
3. Practice connecting to 'You' This bit can be tricky! We all crave safety as much as growth. When we spend a lifetime living a certain way, as soon as we make moves to change it can feel scary. Part of you, often the inner critical voice inside you, will work hard to convince you that it’s not a good idea to change too much. Perhaps convincing you it’s selfish, unrealistic or stupid. There's no time to explore who you are because there's so much to get done. BUT, it's not true! The people you care about and the world needs you to just be YOU.
Try an experiment for one week: spend just 5 minutes each day (or more if you can) tuning in to that energy of You that you explored in Step 2. Perhaps you dance around the kitchen, or you sing at the top of your voice or you close your eyes and actively recall how it feels.
Changing Your Default
When you see how much of your time is spent playing roles that don't energise you or feel authentic, it becomes our default state, Just like relaxation is something our body needs to remember, being authenticlly You is too. It may feel awkward at first, but it's actually your natural state.
The more you can show up as your self, in all your messy glory, and embody your joyful expression, the better life can become. It starts with small steps.
Start with Awareness
If you find it hard to even begin to know who you are underneath the overwhelm of life or you'd like to create more space to explore, I have the perfect process for you. My 21 Day Calm and Clarity Reset is a step by step overwhelm free way to carve out the space to feel different.
With bite sized videos and practices landing in your inbox each day, you won't need to second guess what you should do or if you're doing it right. It will gently guide you to experience things differntly. You can access it for FREE with Be. Membership and right now you can enjoy it entirely free for a month by using the code 'Autumn'.
Is it time to create some breathing space to recover your Self and thrive?
As always, do reply if this resonates with you. I love to hear from you.
Laura @ Be. x
“When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself”. - Paulo Coelho
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